Month: July 2021

Encounter #71.1: Guns Blazing

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App: Bumble

Name: Ryker*

Date Location: Tiki Rock – Boston, MA

Location Review:  5 Stars – For being a theme bar, this place is pretty damn good. Drinks packed a punch and food was tasty.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Going in to this date, I was excited. Conversation with Ryker was easy on both the app and text. Also his resume going in was pretty impressive. He was a Master Electrician (hello 6-figure salary and ability to fix shit), owned his own home, had a Burmese Mountain Dog, and was just down for fucking anything. Like really, he suggested a ton of shit for our first date and it was all super fun stuff. Also, he made me a quick playlist and his taste perfectly aligned with mine. Life was good.

He suggested going down to Boston and offered to pick me up and drive me down. Although I appreciated the sentiment, I didn’t want to get murdered. We decided to park in East Boston and then meet take the T to the bar.

This is not a huge deal for me. I take public transit all the time. It was though for him. He revealed in the first 10 minutes of meeting that not only has he never been on a plane, he has never taken public transit. This is weird AF to me. You may be thinking, “But Laura, what if he’s from bum fuck nowhere?” He wasn’t. This kid grew up 20 minutes north of Boston. Super weird. He also went on to say that he grew up extremely sheltered and then kept skirting questions about his family. Interesting.

We got to the bar and he insisted on us actually eating which was super refreshing. I got wined and dined. Drinks, apps, entree, whole thing. Over dinner, the red flags began to pop up. He told me about his job and may have included too many stories about him cussing out his employees. Then there were stories of him telling his friends to fuck off. Kayyyyyy.

I forget what we were talking about but he said, “I don’t like rules. That’s why when Biden got elected I went out and bought a bunch of guns so he couldn’t take them away.”…HOKAY. Lots to unpack here. I get that not everyone agrees with my views on this but, I am not a gun person in general but I know that some people are and that’s fine. However, buying a gun because Joe Biden is going to take it from you is just not a reason I can entertain.

I said something to the effect of, “Ohhh okay. Just so you know I’m liberal AF”. To which he replied, “I’m sorry. This is why I don’t like talking politics. I don’t want to do anything to lose you.” Oh this just got 50 shades weirder. Honey, you don’t even remotely have me. Slow your roll. We’re 40 minutes into our first date.

At this point in time, the City of Boston had a policy that you could only stay at a restaurant table for a maximum of 90 minutes. So please keep in mind at this point in time, I had downed easily 4-5 in under 2 hours.

We left the restaurant and since we were so close to the waterfront decided to walk over and chill on a bench. In the 2-block walk over, several things happened.

  1. He held my hand.
  2. He licked my hand
  3. He said, “Shit. Now you’re going to go home and tell your friends that some guy licked your hand”
  4. I thought to myself, “I am definitely going to go home and tell my friends a guy licked my hand”
  5. We were talking about ventriloquism and how not even an ex I dated over a year had seen the tapes. He then asked how big his dick was. Not sure how those two items were correlated, but it happened.

At this point, I was so happy I was drunk because I have no idea wtf I would have done sober. I imagine the date would have ended much sooner.

We made it to a bench and he thought it was a good idea to lay on me. Just no. We were talking about my job search and moving plans and I said that I wanted to move to Boston. He then asked if he’d have to sell his house. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, RYKER. SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM. Also, I DON’T KNOW YOU.

He kept pressing me on why I wanted to move back and I explained that someone close to me had been raped and I was needed back in the northeast. He then asked if she was drinking when it happened. Excuse me? Then he asked if I had been raped. Double excuse me? On what fucking planet is that an appropriate question to ask? To top it off during this period of time, he kept going on and on about how he wanted to find his forever person and get married. I imagine if you stopped asking women if they’ve been raped and licking their hands, your odds would be much better. But I digress.

We sobered up and got back on the train to get to our cars. Now I don’t know what fucking possessed me but, since it was clear he hadn’t seen shit in his life we walked a little bit in East Boston since you get the best view of the Boston skyline. Once again, he started asking me highly personal questions this time about my last relationship. I mentioned that it was really hard for me because as an anxious person who really needs physical touch, it sucked that my ex never wanted that type of affection which would just make my anxiety worse. Ryker went, “Really? I don’t see that from you. You seem to hate being touched.” Nope. Just by you, my dude.

At this point I figured since he had asked me so many personal questions, it was my turn to prod for funnies. I asked what happened in his last relationship and he really didn’t want to answer. I pushed again. “Well, aren’t I just going to find out eventually?” Check mate.

He started by saying that he really doesn’t like telling women this because then they don’t want to talk to him anymore. Off to a great start. From what I gathered, it seemed like the relationship he had with his ex was toxic in general. He said she would hit him and, “I would never put my hands on a woman but plates were broken.” Jury is out on that one but that paired with the cussing out of friends and employees was the nail in the coffin.

Whatever happened with this girl has bled into other relationships. He was dating someone else for a bit, the ex reached out to this girl to tell her about Ryker, and then that girl broke it off with him. He made a point to say he wouldn’t tell me the ex’s name because once that comes out these things start happening. Feeling V SAFE, rn.

He walked me back to my car and we hugged good bye. By the time I got home I got the text asking how he did and if I wanted to see him again. I felt bad. On paper, the resume was there, the guy clearly wanted to meet that special someone, and he was willing to do anything to get that. But it was a no from me. Nagasaki’ed.

Encounter #70.1: Turkish Delight

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App: Tinder

Name: Hugo*

Date Location: Hops N Scotch – Brookline, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Food was really tasty and the menu had a lot of fun stuff. Cocktails were also good and atmosphere was warm.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Hugo got through on a “How Hot Can I Bag” technicality. His photos were promising but I will say lower res. Once he opened with the lyrics to County Roads I let him slide.

Going in, things were pretty good conversation wise. He grew up on the Greek/Turkish coast and was very career motivated. He seemed to like what he did for work, was good at it, and was looking to buy a house in the next year or so. Love an established king.

He was quick to make plans which was much appreciated. He beat me to the bar so I got a good look at him as I walked up the block. Not exactly what I expected not gonna lie. Not bad but, thought he’d wear something besides a hoodie and sneakers. Also looked like one of my friend’s dads. Weird vibes.

The conversation was fine overall. He asked a lot of questions about me which was a nice change for once. He did tell me questionable stories though. Got a lot of stories about being angry, calling friends out, that kind of thing. In that same breath he also apologized for literally ANYTHING. We got boneless wings and while he bit into one, a drop of sauce fell on his jeans. Not a huge deal. He was low key freaking out and kept laying on how sorry he was. No idea what his last relationship was like but, that’s not my vibe at all.

It was raining and I had an hour drive ahead of me to get home so we called it a night. He walked me to my car and in the walk over it was very clear that he was way more into me than I was him. He kept touching me and I was so happy I was wearing a face mask because I did not want to have that awkward good bye kiss situation.

We got to the car and I saw that he wanted to do it. He kept bringing up how much fun he had and I recognized the look in his eyes. Mama wasn’t having it. Gave an awkward hug and did not remove the face mask until I was in the car with the door shut and locked. Honestly, best fucking part of the face mask area. Gets you out of so many uncomfortable interactions with men.

We texted for a day or two after since I was on the fence on if I really didn’t like him. He slipped a few stories that further cemented the anger thing and I Nagasaki’ed the guy.

The EMT Zombie: UPDATE

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Name: Gary*

Recap:

Several years ago I passed out and the EMT who came to check on me was quite attractive. So good looking that when I regained consciousness the first thing I blurted out was, “You’re really attractive”. We had a weird flirtation in the month or so after we met, then on and off for about a year or so, and we hadn’t spoken since.

UPDATE:

While being back in NH, my friend and I went to a bar and as girls do, we posted it on our IG stories. Nothing crazy, just a pic of the beer and the location. No tits. Nothing. Boy slid into the DMs with “Hanging out in my city I see“. Hmmm v curious.

I didn’t quite know his life situation so I called his bluff and invited him out with us. After all, the last time I saw him in person I was in the back of an ambulance while I sat in my embarrassment. While we waited for him to make it to the bar we creeped his social media and holy shit, dude was not only married. Gary had a baby on the way. FML.

At that point there was nothing we could do but sit there and wait to see how this shit played out. Gary rolled up and he looked mostly how I remembered him. Gotta be honest, the uniform definitely made him look hotter but he wasn’t terrible in plain clothes. Would equate it to a dog walking on its hind legs. Not bad but definitely different.

He took the seat next to me and we got chatting away. It had been 4 years so we had a lot to catch up on. The whole time though I couldn’t gauge if this was just a friends thing or if it was more than that. At one point my friend got up to go to the bathroom and while she was gone he went in with the, “You look really good by the way. Seriously”…shit. Okay, guess this was more than I thought it was.

When my friend came back he proceeded to tell her the story of how we met and we pinpointed that it happened right when he was in the midst of divorce with his first wife. Then he was bold and segwayed to my relationship status with, “So I remember you were seeing someone awhile back. How did that go?” I SEE YOU GARY. I gave the shortest of short versions and then asked him the same. That was when he finally revealed that he was married and had a baby on the way. Casual.

He left after about an hour or so since he had somewhere to be but, my friend and I were dumbfounded by the whole thing. I didn’t pick up on it but, she noticed that he hid his hand under the table the whole time so we couldn’t see his wedding ring. Whether not not that was intentional, we’ll never really know but it was sus.

Despite me roasting his ass the whole time for his lack of condom use, he still wanted to hang out again and met us at the bar we were at later that day. Nothing happened. The only interesting things were that he occasionally tapped my leg and mentioned I was pretty so I should be able to find a rich guy. Kinda flirtatious but also in theory, that could have been just out of friendship.

TBD, I still have no idea wtf happened. Based on timing though, I will say manifestation is more powerful than we think. Nearly every day that month I had the mantra, “I don’t chase, I attract. What belongs to me will find me” and apparently that meant some married guy with a baby rather than me being married with a baby. Universe, do better.