Encounter #63.1: Esquire

App: Tinder

Name: Ron*

Date Location: A field

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When you’re quarantining in your parents’ house there are only a handful of things you can do:

  • Tell yourself that you’re going to workout but really watch 12 hours of RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • Buy expensive clothing you can’t wear because you’ll die if you go outside
  • Eat the strangest assortment of snacks
  • Masturbate
  • Swipe through dating apps

I leaned into all these things but I really leaned into that last one. If I was going to be locked in, I was going to have fun.

Ron slid into my messages and I was impressed. Funny, smart, and didn’t ask me for nudes. Truly a unicorn.

He was a top prosecutor in one of the counties near where I grew up, lived in my hometown, had a dog AND a condo, and overall just had his shit together. He was in the National Guard and per Google, won all these awards for being a good person or some shit. (Also per my creeping, he knew my zombie EMT).

He originally asked me to come to his place for take out. Although it was quarantine and we were limited in options, that felt a bit much so we compromised and met up at a field within his condo complex.

When I saw Ron for the first time I was a bit disappointed. I had creeped him. HARD. He photographed way better than he looked in person. Not bad but, not quite what I was looking for.

In the walk from his condo to the field, I became skeptical of how it was going to go. The quick banter we had over text suddenly turned into me sounding like an anxious chihuahua barking at a brick wall. So many awkward silences and nothing much in return.

We hung out for awhile. It was beautiful out and it had been a long time since I had interacted with someone under the age of 60. That said, I felt like I was both carrying the team and embarrassing myself at the same time. Because of the silences, I felt like I had to be more “on” to make up for it and I felt so fucking awkward.

I really had to pee so he let me into his condo. Not bad. Definitely had potential but needed a woman’s touch. Like there was decor but also nothing looked finished. We awkwardly hugged and then as I walked to the stairs to get to street level, he offered to walk me out. Weird. Pretty sure I made an ass of myself but I’ll take it.

We were both so awkward that I am not entirely sure if his intention was to kiss me or not, but I swerved it real hard. Went directly to the right shoulder and made it a hug. No kissing if you’re unsure in Coronatime.

We went our separate ways and never spoke again.

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