Encounter #46.1: Happy Home

App: N/A

Name: Sam*

Date Location: Stax NYC & Stumble Inn

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – Was better with its prior owners because I would leave black out drunk after one drink. Now it has tons of screens, decent menu, and is almost always empty.

3.0 Stars – Good sports bar, very warm and inviting. Has beer pong in the back.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

I met Sam at my Kick Off to Thotumn party. A coworker had her husband invite him since he was the husband’s hottest single friend. Leading up, she was underselling him saying he was so hot when they were in college but he’s gotten a little thicc. Okay, low pressure.

This guy walked into my apartment and was a BABE. 6 foot something, broad ass shoulders, dark hair, five o’clock shadow. Holy. Fuck. He was so cute that when he sat on my couch I booked it to the kitchen and just stared at him because I had no fucking clue what to do.

When we all went out to the bar, my friend’s husband kind of nudged him to get my number. He asked, I gave, we texted, and ultimately set something up.

Going in, I had a feeling I was weirder than him. He seemed like your average guy’s guy. Into sports, comic books, GoT, that kind of thing. I asked my coworker for more info on him and she kept saying that he was really nice and had a normal family. Well, that should have been the give away on how this was going to go. You need some childhood trauma to hang with this bitch.

We met up in the city to watch Monday Night Football and he immediately ordered a fuck ton of food. This could work. He was a nice guy who had it together. Lived on the Upper East Side, worked in finance, and seemed to be chill. His family sounded lovely and he was content with his life.

After the first game was over, he asked if I had anywhere to be so we moved to the second bar for drinks. I was surprised by that considering how quiet he was. Up until that point I figured he was just being nice since it was a bit of a fix up.

We kept drinking and he started to loosen up a bit. I say a bit because I don’t think he gets all too loose. He went to the bathroom and when he came back he put his hand on my back as he sat down. Okay, looking promising. Maybe he didn’t hate me?

It was late so I made moves to go. Before I could do anything, he called me an Uber back to NJ. Umm what? That’s a first. Also that’s easily $40+. Holy fuck.

Now I don’t know if this next part was awkward because of me or just the situation. To me, it felt like we were doing the “Oh so much fun” blah blah blah dance. Thing was, the Uber was there in like 1 minute so the dance was abruptly cut short. As we walked outside, I saw the car in the corner of my eye. We kissed. But it wasn’t a make out or anything. Basically enough to say we did and then next thing I knew I was in the car on the way to Jersey.

He texted me to make sure I got home okay and we did the “Ohhh I had so much fun thing”. Never heard from again. Was I too drunk? Possibly. Was it not going to work out between us? Definitely. Need some childhood issues to run with this bitch.

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Encounter #45.1: Hockey Player

App: Hinge

Name: Rickey*

Date Location: Pet Shop – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool, divey spot. Has decent beer selection and a vegetarian menu

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Rickey and I were messaging back and forth for fucking centuries. After awhile, I decided to leave him on read and that’s when he finally asked my ass out.

He met me at the bar and he was a very sweet guy. He grew up in Illinois so he had that midwestern charm, played hockey, and was now coaching kids. FUCK, my ovaries are quivering. He also worked for the NJ Devils and offered up Bruins v Devils tickets. Okay, I see you flexing. Conversation overall was fine. Nothing too too crazy. I definitely felt that I was a bit much for him considering every other word I say is “fuck” but he kept getting drinks so I figured he wasn’t too miserable.

The entire time we were together I couldn’t quite pinpoint who he looked like. He seemed so familiar and it was driving me crazy. Then it hit me. He was a carbon copy of my high school boyfriend. Holy. Shit. Twins.

We both had to get up early the next morning so Rickey walked me down to the train. As we walked I also noticed he lied. He said he was 5’10” on his profile. I am 5’8″. This guy clocked in at easily 5’7″. Either he had early onset osteoporosis and was using his old height or he padded the number. Now, as we know I do not discriminate on height. I have a theory that shorter guys eat pussy better. However, I don’t think it’s right to fudge your numbers. I may not care, but some other bitch will.

We were waiting on the platform for our trains and he asked if he could see me again. I agreed. Then he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed. It was fine. Nothing life changing. The fact that my train was pulling up definitely put a damper on things but all in all, not bad. We texted a bit over the weekend and I never heard from him again.

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Encounter #41.2: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: Grove Corner Bar & Taqueria Downtown – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – Classic sports bar. Cheap pitchers of beer during games, tvs everywhere, and dark wood.

5.0 Stars – Taqueria is the tits. One marg will fuck you up, tacos are delicious, and the service is pretty quick.

Date Duration: 8 hours

What Happened:

In the time since our first date, I had already made an ass of myself. We were supposed to hang out one weekend but I was too hung over to move because of previous exploits the night before then later that weekend I got tanked at a wedding and drunk texted him. For whatever reason, he was still interested and we met up on a night that neither of us had to take classes.

The bar I originally picked was slammed so we found the closest one that had seating. It was a sports bar in the middle of a Yankee game so we made it work. We had a few pitchers of beer and as we crushed the second I asked what he wanted to do. Stay here or check somewhere else out? He said, “I mean we could go back to your place.” I MEAN IF YOU INSIST.

He was hungry and I was nervous so I roped him into getting tacos. On the walk over, he put his arm around my waist which was oddly sweet. I wasn’t expecting that at all. We got in and fucking went in on those tacos. Holy fuck. I cannot say enough good things about the lamb ones. Fuck me up.

We ate. Drank. And then it was time. He called the Uber to my place and within minutes of being in the apartment things happened. Chase knew exactly what he was doing. His make outs were on point, he had me against the wall, and took the time to make sure I was feeling good. I was shocked. When we moved to the bed he made a point to go down on me and damn, it was good. When he came up for air, I reached down to reciprocate some of his efforts and he was huge. I don’t know why I was surprised. He was pretty tall and had a broader build so it made sense but you just don’t know until you’re in the moment.

We started fucking and it was mind blowing. He clearly worked out because he was pulling me up and throwing me down no problem. What really got me though was how we connected so easily. Normally the first time is kind of awkward and you’re both figuring each other out. This was like birthday sex level good…well until the inevitable awkward happened.

I had drank quite a bit and he was packing. So when we switched to him behind me there was a ton of pressure on my bladder. I didn’t necessarily want to stop but, I was ready for him to finish up. I turned to him and asked, “What can I do to get you off?” Easy. Simple question. He responded with, “I want to cum on your face and shove it in your ass…don’t worry, we’ll save that second part for later.”

Ummmm. Wow. Okay, coming in hot there.

I felt like Jim from The Office staring into the camera. I was expecting literally any other answer. “Suck me off”, “Keep doing that”, “Put your leg here”. Anything. This felt a bit bold for an initial encounter.

It was a lot but, I believed I could blow him and finish things a little quicker. He laid down and I got to work. Then he said, “Get down” and threw a pillow on the floor. Before I knew it he was standing above me and it happened. He came in my eye.

Chase was one of those guys that as soon as he finished, he passed the fuck out. So while he flopped on the bed exhausted, I was left on the floor trying find tissues in the dark with only one functional eyeball.

I was a bit annoyed. It’s not that I really cared that he finished on my face but, I do think that when you blow a load all over someone you have to help clean your mess. It’s only fair.

Although he pulled a party foul, he had a moment of redemption. We were laying there, started making out a bit, and I made some comment about getting me off. He quickly went to work. Cool with vibrators? Awesome. Let’s party.

He left not long after which was fine with me. We texted here and there over the weekend while I was away.

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But like I said, Taqueria is really fucking good.

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