Encounter #26.1: Not. Fine.

App: Hinge

Name: Randall*

Date Location: Mr. Purple

Location Review:  2.0 Stars – Overrated AF. The view is fantastic but it will cost over $30 for 2 drinks.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Randall and I didn’t talk too too much leading up to the date (may have convinced him to quit his job though) but he seemed pretty normal for the most part. He did ask pretty early on why I was on Hinge and how long I had been single but he also said he wasn’t one for small talk so I let it go. He would have found out one way or another.

After some back and forth, he settled on a spot. First we were going to Mr. Purple, then he wanted me to go with him to his company happy hour (weird), then he quit his job so he thought it would be weird to go (but not weird to bring a first date), so we decided on Mr. Purple…again.

This place was bougie and overrated AF. I had tried going the week prior but the line was fucking ridiculous. It was one of those spots that you should really only go to for one drink and an Instagram photo. Aside from the view, there was not much else going on. The drinks were expensive and it didn’t seem like it could easily flip to give room for dancing. So you just drink and soak up your rich friend’s awesomeness or whatever.

He was attractive. In shape, nice eyes, muscular. But then he opened his mouth and I wanted to kill him. Off the bat he asked me what my deal breakers were. I said if someone doesn’t share the same political views. I explained that I come from a more “modern family”, I’m liberal AF, and it would be difficult to bring someone in to my life who doesn’t agree with my values. He then went on to say that being gay is a choice, he chose to be straight because he is acting on his own desires, but then back tracked to say that being gay is totally fine and people can’t help it. K.

Then he went on a long ass tangent on guns that made no damn sense, said he didn’t agree with Black Lives Matter, Obama wasn’t that great, and Trump “isn’t that bad”. It’s not necessarily wrong to have these views but, don’t try to tell me you’re on the same page as me politically and then come up with all that.

He also thought he was much smarter/more important than he was. Because he was in the navy, he started college a little later. He said his professors were astounded that he knew about the recession and all this other stuff because he was 24 taking classes. Really? Calm yourself. I’m sure they weren’t all that amazed and it wasn’t that big a deal. I’m 2 years younger than you and I also know about that shit. YOU AINT SPECIAL.

Randall made it clear that he was looking for something serious and wanted to settle down. Thing is I didn’t think he knew what that meant. He said he knew what it took to be a great boyfriend. Uhmmm, he only had one major relationship which lasted 5 months. He also made some comment like, “You seem like you’re looking for something serious. I feel like you make a good girlfriend.” YA. I was only in a relationship for 6 years and 4 of those years were long distance, I’ve been single awhile, and have dated every asshole in a 10-mile radius. I’m not new to this rodeo.

Every time Randall spoke it reminded me of a boy who wanted so badly to be a man if that makes sense. He wanted to seem so suave, confident, and worldly but really he was a boy spitting out hot air. We talked about “the window” when you’re on a date. Like the moment you kiss. He asked how I knew if there was a window or not and I said something like, “If you have to wonder if the window is open or if you missed it, it probably wasn’t open in the first place. When you’re vibing with someone you just know when the moment is right and you don’t have to think.” He then grilled me on if he had missed his window with me. At this point, I just wanted to fuck with him and said that he had a clear shot earlier when we were standing outside. (It was sunset, slight breeze, he may have been annoying but it was romantic.)

He was bothered that I wasn’t 100% into him and then tried to make it SO CLEAR he was into me. He pulled my chair to be closer to him, put his hand on my knee, held my hand, put his arm on my chair with his hand on the back of my neck, and then we kissed. He was a good kisser, but then he would talk and it would be all over.

Randall and I covered sex that night. He was apparently “very good” because he could move his hips separately from the rest of his body, his oral game was strong, had a body count over 60, and he (allegedly) had a 9 inch dick. Thank you. Needed all that on the first date. Oh, and I forgot to mention that HE DOESNT USE CONDOMS AND LIKES TO FINISH INSIDE A GIRL. Okay, just asking to get a girl pregnant. He felt like you only use a condom with a girl you’re not serious with. No. No. No. I brought up that for me it’s non-negotiable. Pregnancy and STDs are a thing and my life has been pretty great so far without either.

The clincher for Randall was in our last hour or so together. We kissed already. Fine it happened. Then he started planning our lives together. He wanted to be “a power couple like Jay-Z and Beyonce” and maybe one day he could meet my parents. He could show me the world of rooftop bars, little black dresses, and fine dining while I would show him the world of dive bars and farming. (No joke. That was said.) He went to the bathroom and asked if I’d come with him. No? I don’t want to hook up in a public bathroom with you. When he got back we kissed again but he got more aggressive. He grabbed my ass (fine), started feeling me up and commented that he could feel that I was wearing nice underwear (less fine), slid his hands under my dress to continue to feel up my ass (not so fine), then smacked my ass. NOT. FINE.

It was time for me to go. He asked how I was getting home. I said that I was taking the PATH train back home. By myself. And he would take his train back home to his place. By himself. Randall said he “wouldn’t expect anything less”. He then threw in that he was going to stay because a friend was meeting him but not to worry, he wouldn’t talk to any girls. I mean I was leaving to get drunk and try to make out with more boys. But whatever helps you sleep at night, Randall.

Within 5 minutes of leaving he sent a text saying “I had a great time tonight!” I left him on read. The next day I figured it was time to send “the text”. I unmatched him on Hinge, crafted my message, sent it, then immediately blocked him. He had read receipts on. Motherfucker saw that text IMMEDIATELY after I sent it. He had an iPhone so there was always the possibility a message would come through on iMessage on my laptop. Fortunately, the coast was clear and I was reminded to block THEN text.

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Situation #9.1: Fleet Week 2K18

What Happened:

Fleet Week is a magical week in NYC where sailors, marines, and coast guardsmen come into the city and we all get some military ass.

My Fleet Week started slow to say the least. I was sick that Friday night so couldn’t go out until Saturday. While I was sick at home, I swiped through Tinder like a fucking mad woman. I had not had decent action in awhile and truly I wasn’t entirely opposed to a one night stand with a guy who hadn’t seen a woman in months. I matched with this guy who was incredibly out of my league and was only in the city for the weekend. We exchanged numbers and decided that we would try to meet up at the same bar over the weekend.

Saturday night my friend and I went out in the city and found ourselves at Hair of the Dog. It was ratched AF. We were watching the basketball game and during breaks would look around to see where the crowd was at. About an hour in we saw them. Sailors. But we were not the only ones. Within seconds girls were all over them, wearing their hats, and trying to get pics for instagram. Upon further review, not one of these men was attractive so I ended up talking to a civilian, he took my number, and then I was weird. I was about to leave and couldn’t tell if he wanted to kiss or not. So we went in for the hug and my drunken mind thought it would be a great idea to kiss him on the cheek. I missed. Got the guy’s neck. OH WELL.

Since Saturday was a bust and it was a long weekend, we figured Sunday could be our redemption. We went out to the first bar with no luck. Moved to the one next door and saw those white uniforms. Perf. We got our beers and found a free table to watch the basketball game. The guys we were sitting with were all Cavaliers fans and one in particular would not shut the fuck up. Somehow, he ended up with my number. While we worked on our beers, the guy I matched with on Tinder let me know where he and his friends were headed and it wasn’t too too far from where we were. We downed our beers and made the trek over.

This bar was weird. It looked like a hallway that got converted to a shitty club because some kid had a bean bag chair and some dj equipment. The music was bad but we were a little turnt, wanted to dance, and I was waiting for Tinder guy to show up.

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Then everything happened so fast. My friend and I were dancing and probably 7 minutes into us being there both of us ended up with a marine. He and I danced for a minute and then he asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed and we got beers. The bar had slightly better lighting and I got a glimpse of his face. He was cute. Somehow age came up and he asked how old I thought he was. I guessed 20/21. He said 22. (Upon finding his instagram, he was actually 19). No joke, I don’t think he ever needs to shave. He then guessed my age and came up with 22. I’m 25 AKA grandma status.

Even though he was young, he explained that he was the highest ranked marine in the bar and was a gunner. Holy. Shit. This child had more balls than I ever will. I asked why he joined and he said “This” while motioning to the crowd. “It’s seeing everyone so happy and knowing I’m making it possible for them.” We kept talking and he said he was going to be shipped out to Syria in a year. FUCK. …then I gave him my number and we crushed some jagerbombs as one does.

We moved back out to the dance floor and were making out in seconds. He pressed me against the dj booth, felt me up, said how hot I was, sucked on my neck, and left a hickey while I ran my hands down his back and kissed his neck. He was ripped.

Despite me having a great time, my tinder “date” was not as amused.

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OH WELL.

My friend’s marine sucked so she said she was leaving. I had to leave my guy but it was a little difficult to do. That make out was really hot. When I got outside I couldn’t find her so I figured I’d call a Lyft and start heading out. The second I pulled my phone out another marine appeared to smoke a cigarette. He was a leaner guy who was maybe 5’9″. Truthfully, I couldn’t tell how attractive he was because the brim of his hat sat so low on his forehead but he didn’t look too too bad. He shared some fun nuggets of info. The one I distinctly remember was that he said, “Gay shit happens. No really, when you’re out there that long…I’ve cuddled with some guys before. It happens.”

Fam, I don’t know how this next part happened but in what felt like 2 minutes we were making out hard on the street, he gave me his number, and he was so fucking close to getting a hotel room. But alas, the Lyft got there before he could do anything else.

In the Lyft, I thought it would be a great idea to drunk text. Keep in mind, we have the guy from Saturday I was waiting on, the creepy guy, and 2 marines.

When I got this text, I was with my first marine and I thought it was the guy from the night before. After some beer, jagerbombs, and a few hours I then thought it was the first marine.

6…it was the creepy guy. FUCK.

I couldn’t remember the second marine’s name so when I opened my phone I saw a guy’s name and deduced it was his.

7.jpgWell that went well.

I was bummed. I really thought I would get at least one guy to text me that weekend. But low and behold, in the final hours I got an add on Snapchat and my marine came through.

89Thanks for the adventures Fleet Week. Until next time.

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Situation #8.1: The Coworker

Name: Elijah*

Date Location: Miriam Restaurant Brooklyn Museum

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.

5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.

He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.

Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.

Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.

Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.

It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked our way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).

At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?

We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.

We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.

His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took on the way he would stand close with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.

We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.

I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.

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Encounter #24.2: Strong Island

App: Hinge

Name: Antonio*

Date Location: The Keg Room

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Tasty apps, plenty of beer, has those really big windows that open so you can watch the people on the street.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For one reason or another, I decided to give Antonio another shot. Leading up, I got the vibe that we were both a little disappointed in each other. We went from texting constantly to only a few times a day, he would always be the one to start the conversation, and the jokes just weren’t rolling. But I did make out with him the last time we went out and said to his face that I wanted to go out again so I had to follow through.

One thing that irked me was his planning. Once again he asked me out, picked the date, and could not take the time to just pick a goddamn bar. Really. It’s not hard. Yelp makes things incredibly easy. I found a bar by our train stations and sent the info over. An hour or 2 before we were going to meet he asked me where we were meeting. DA FUQ. Boy, we just went over this. If you needed the address just google the damn thing yourself.

Overall, nothing noteworthy really happened. We ate, I drank, the usual. A family friend was in the area so I had to leave to meet him a few blocks down. Antonio walked me over and when I got to my destination we made out. It was kind of sweet. I had my wallet in my hand but managed to drop it mid-kiss and we both started laughing then made out more.

Then he left and I was fine. I didn’t get the post-make out glow. But once again my dumb ass agreed to going out again in person. We kept texting here and there, much less than before. Then one morning I woke up to a series of texts.

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Ain’t even mad.

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TBT: Done Fucked Up

App: Tinder

Name: Ray*

Date Location: Midfield Cafe – Nashua, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – It’s a diner. Food is cheap. There’s bacon.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

To start, let’s put it on record that I am a moron. Good? Great.

During this particular period of my life, I was stressed AF. I had been working 9 years on a goal and in 3 weeks I was going to find out if I would achieve it or not. (Spoiler, I didn’t.) On top of that, I was still salty about the whole Connor thing and was leaning towards moving to NYC in the coming weeks. Lots of shit happening.

When Ray and I connected, I had about half a brain cell left but for whatever reason this fucker was interested in my ditzy ass. He asked for my snapchat and my number so we were snapping consistently but for whatever reason still messaging on the app. My dumb ass had typed the number wrong. Awk.

We made plans to go out, I picked my favorite spot, but it started to snow. I thought I had said that we would go out the next night. I didn’t. He went to the bar that night. DAMN IT LAURA.

We decided to meet the next morning for breakfast at a diner by him. I got up early that morning, shoveled my car out of a foot of snow, enlisted a friend to help push my car out of the driveway, and somehow made it. This was going to be a story for the ages. This was how I would meet the father of my children.

That didn’t happen. Ray was probably the most boring person I ever met. Despite being from Alaska, he had nothing to say about it. Everything was “okay”. He played volleyball at school. What did Ray have to say? “It’s fun.” K.

He was graduating college in a few weeks and at this point I kind of knew deep down that I was going to be moving. Before I could send “the text” he had sent me a message that he had such a good time, even if it didn’t look like it because he was so nervous to be around “such a beautiful woman”. Shit. Damn it. I was about to be an asshole.

I sent “the text” but this one I went a little off script. I said something along the lines of, “Thank you so much I had a great time but truth be told I just don’t have the time to be dating right now and I still have some things to work out with my ex.” The ex was a new addition. I expected no response. I instead got a really nice text back saying something like, “I understand. I’m graduating soon so I’m also busy but if you ever want to hang out, even as friends let me know.”

Thanks Ray. It was real.

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