Month: May 2018
Encounter #24.1: Strong Island
App: Hinge
Name: Antonio*
Date Location: Mustang Harry’s
Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Awesome apps, kick ass happy hour, most delightful owner
Date Duration: 3 hours
What Happened:
Antonio and I just fucking clicked. As soon as our chat on Hinge started, I was into him. He worked full time as a tax accountant but did comedy on the side. AKA financially stable and could make me laugh. He had a self-deprecating humor so the conversation quickly moved to text.
We texted nonstop to the point he had suffered at least 2 series of drunken texts from me and I was staying up late to continue to talk to him. We had 2 weeks of lead time before this date so I found out a lot despite the fact we were dicking around a lot. He had a younger brother who was gay, lived at home on Long Island, was bisexual, recently lost 30 pounds thanks to Jenny Craig, played basketball, wasn’t a huge drinker, NY sports fan, and is a retired sneaker fiend. (Really, this kid had a shit ton of Jordans.)
When it came to planning the date, Antonio sucked. I picked a bar that was easy to get to and easy to leave from in case things went south. Unfortunately, it was pretty loud when we got there so the conversation wasn’t great. After we finished our food and beers, he suggested that we go for a walk. Ok, fine.
We literally just made a big loop around midtown and the Garment District before stopping to pee at Macy’s. (For those who are not familiar with NYC, these spots are packed with people, kind of dirty, and there’s not much to look at.)
We chatted the whole time but I wasn’t sure if I was really clinching it. Although he laughed at my jokes, I didn’t feel “on”. He was okay looking, his voice didn’t quite match his body, and it felt like all that lead time made things harder for conversation.
Antonio walked me to my train and I wondered where we stood. Well, boy went in for the kiss and we lightly made out. Was it the best I’ve experienced? Nope. But it really wasn’t bad. He seemed nice enough and I knew he had the ability to make me laugh, it was just seeing if we could make it happen. We texted through the next week until date #2.
Honorable Mention: Redneck Living
Situation #7.1: Male Model
What Happened:
A few months back I had taken a waitress job at the bar near my apartment. Truthfully, the place is almost always dead and the people who come in are regulars.
After not having a table for almost 90 minutes, this younger guy walked in asking about happy hour and he became my one and only table for the next few hours.
I brought him his drinks and he started talking to me out of nowhere. Normally, I wouldn’t engage unless it was one of my regulars but there was no one there and I had nothing better to do.
He went on and on about how he was a male model and just had a show earlier that day. …he showed me video footage (barf). This fucker was such a pain in the ass. He tried to make it seem like he knew everything about everything. That the bar should have a sign outside with the happy hour deal (not entirely wrong) but he came in and asked. He came up with the solution.
We chatted and I made a comment about “back in my day.” He asked me how old he looked and I guessed something like 22. He said he looked so good because of all the facials and massages he gets and I should really drop $100 sometime and do it. None of that is wrong, I probably should. But stop promoting yourself while talking to me. It wasn’t like, “Oh facials are so great. You’d love it!” It was more, “I do this thing. I am so great. You should do what I do.”
This led to a conversation about our birthdays. And damn it, we were a day apart. He invited me to his stupid ass party which would be at some bougie ass club in the city. If he wasn’t a douche, fine. But I don’t have time to stroke this fucker’s ego.
He also kept giving me the view count on the video he posted on Instagram and trying to get me to plug his Denim Day event on my real job’s social media. As he puts it, he “loves to give back.” Child, you are wearing a ripped jean jacket. Calm down. Then he said to follow him on Instagram. Fine, it would help me write this post. But he followed that with, “And if you could comment on some of my posts that would be great so they get some play. I don’t respond to them but for you, I will.” OH. MY GOD. This isn’t real.
People started coming into the bar which, thankfully, pulled me away from him. I had one of my favorite regulars so when it died back down, I spent time with him. He knew of a possible job opportunity for me so I was all ears. Then this fucking model kept interrupting with his stupid ass Instagram updates. “Oh, since I posted that I’ve gotten 15 emails. I already booked another job.” CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.
I had to start closing down which left the model and my regular in the dining room. I don’t know what was said during this time but I overheard the model say, “I should have a beautiful woman on my arm. Why don’t I have one?” (BECAUSE YOU’RE A DOUCHE) And my regular said later on, “You’re ridiculous!” because this guy was bragging about how much he made last year. The model was so annoying, the regular ordered another shot and left.
Model boy later asked if I was single. I saw right through him. It wasn’t that he asked it point blank. He was trying to build me up like a salesman. “Oh are you seeing someone right now? You have to have someone you’re talking to. There’s really no one trying to get with you? I’m so surprised.” No. No one likes me. Catch up, boy! (And work on your delivery).
The model finally decided to leave about 15 minutes before my shift was up. He said, “There’s a reason I met you today of all days.” And went on about how he wasn’t going to walk in the bar but he did, he has all these opportunities since entering, and since our birthdays were so close it was meant to be. He asked for my number and I gave it only because he also mentioned he’d be in the next week and I didn’t want to create that awkward moment. Figured I’d leave him on read while I made a few dollars off him.
He never texted me. Instead, he slid into my DMs.
Never heard from again.
Honorable Mention: Food Mooch
Encounter #23.1: Nice Boy
Name: Aaron*
Date Location: Quality Greens Kitchen
Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Super healthy and tasty. A cross between HoneyGrow and Chipotle. Wish there was booze.
Date Duration: 2 hours
What Happened:
Aaron was physically out of my league. By a lot. So I was shocked when he messaged first on Hinge. He asked to meet up in Hoboken to walk along the water front. I got there first so I was just dicking around on my phone texting friends in our group chat. I then done fucked it up.
Womp. To combat this issue, I changed his name in my phone to:
Well, he still agreed to hang out with me. I walked up to him and he was SO FINE but it felt like I already made him uncomfortable. (I mean I kinda did).
But his voice was so stiff and monotone I really thought it was all over. I later realized that that was really his voice. We walked along the pier and he seemed to get more comfortable. We sat down and somehow within 15/20 minutes he asked if he could kiss me and we made out…for several minutes. It wasn’t too bad. The only thing was that his breath was kind of oniony and he wouldn’t let up. I love PDA, don’t get me wrong. But it was not dark enough outside to be doing that shit plus we were in an area where people take photos since the skyline is right there.
We stopped making out long enough for him to offer up dinner. We walked to the restaurant holding hands (his were so fucking dry. He needed some serious lotion). During this 7-minute walk I really started to hate him. He kept bringing up how he hated his hometown and that he was a health nut. Like no ice cream, no pizza, no fun health nut. Then by the time we got to the restaurant I learned he was bullied in high school, had body image issues, and neither were resolved.
We ate and kept chatting. Anytime he said anything, he sounded like a child. He wouldn’t curse so he used these odd made up words in their place. He also dropped the bomb that he didn’t drink. FUCK. I asked why and he said it’s because his aunt choked on her own vomit while drinking…and doing heroin and crack. I’m not a doctor, but I think the heroin and crack were the bigger issue.
Despite not drinking, he had been in more bar fights than you’d expect. As these stories went on it seemed like his friends weren’t really his friends and either kept him around for some personal gain or because they felt obligated. Either way, these guys he hung around with sucked.
After dinner we went back to the pier. He started to kiss me again and I just wanted it to stop. I was annoyed by him and I hated how he kept making out with me nonstop. I said something along the lines of, “I get really embarrassed by PDA” (total lie) to make it end. I really wanted to get to know him to see if I was a dick or if he really was that annoying to me. Instead, we went behind a piece of playground equipment and it just kept happening and it was getting worse. His nose poked my eye.
Somehow I got him to stop sucking my bottom lip off long enough to ask him what his worst date was. He said that a girl looked really in shape in her pics and then showed up not looking like them. WOW AARON. I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. Meanwhile I’ve fucked a dude with no electricity, was blown off for a nap, and had a guy ditch after 7 minutes. BUT YES AARON THAT DATE WAS TERRIBLE.
I was ready to call it a night and despite his offer to drive me home, I called a Lyft. He texted me that night saying he had a good time and all that shit. The next day, I had a gala for work so I was working all night. He texted me at some point wishing me luck but I was busy so I ignored it. Three days later he texted me again asking how the event went. I had just gotten home from a weekend away so I ignored it and decided I would text him later to break it off.
He called me and left a fucking voicemail.
Fuck. This guy was nice. So nice. But also wayyyy more into me than I was into him. As much as I wanted to ghost, it was too late. I had to nagasaki him.
I blocked, unmatched, then sent the text out. He had an iPhone so despite being blocked his message came through on my laptop. He seemed to take it well even though I was the biggest cunt in history. I only made out with him and gave every indication I was interested. Great work, Laura.
Honorable Mention: I Want Your Brains
Encounter #22.1: Beanie Boy
App: Tinder
Name: Beck*
Date Location: 9 Bar Cafe
Location Review: 2.5 Stars – Small space, not a lot of coffee options, hipster AF
Date Duration: 1.5 hours
What Happened:
It had been a few weeks since I had gone out with anyone. After cutting someone loose because of herpes, I felt it was time to be a little more passive with the dating game. Rather than swipe aggressively, craft answers, and make myself available I would just see what came into my inbox and go from there.
Beck opened with, “Who would win in a fight? Forrest Gump vs Tommy Pickles” Weird. I was into it. We had some banter back and forth until he asked me out for coffee. Also weird. How was I going to make it through a first date without drinking?
I made it there first and saw a hottie to my right. Was not my date upon further review. I took a seat facing the door. I was ready for a great ass date. He walked in. I looked up. I immediately wanted to leave.
He wore a beanie, had a scraggly beard, and gave the general vibe that he had not showered for a few days. Shit. And no alcohol on this date? We’re fucked.
We started talking and it was clear we would not go out again. He only asked me one question the entire time we were out. “What do you do for work?” He then told me all about his two jobs, the commute, living in NJ, how he never sleeps, why he never sleeps, what music he’s into, where his friends live, his siblings, and all the indie concerts he had been to.
After an hour or so, he said he had to go which I was more than fine with. I had to make the turn to get to the train so we hugged, went our separate ways, and I unmatched him as soon as I got on the train.
Honorable Mention: I Can Fly
Encounter #20.4: The Boy from Neverland
App: Hinge
Name: Reed*
Date Location: Ethyl’s Alcohol & Food
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Super funky spot on the Upper East Side. They have go-go dancers, fun decor, and even bingo on Wednesdays
Date Duration: 2 hours
What Happened:
Once again, this was Reed’s last shot. He opened up the last time we went out and I just needed to learn more about who he was as a person before I made a decision on his fate.
I shot him a text and we were on for date #4. Per usual, I got too drunk too fast but I apparently said some things that resonated with him.
We were joking about how I could pass for a high school student and I told a story about how I helped out at my high school’s Challenge Day as an adult. While I was at the school I was asked several times if I was a student (there were only freshmen that day) or if I was a teacher. So basically I could pass for 14 or 28. He didn’t know what Challenge Day was so I walked him through the program and basically it’s for teens to learn that there are other people going through the same things and there’s more to a person than meets the eye.
He was oddly interested in this and I noticed him start to get ever so slightly more personal with me and he recognized that he deflected a lot. But, a few minutes later I allegedly made a joke about STDs.
“You make a lot of jokes about STDs.”
“Really? I don’t think so…?”
“That’s the second one.”
“Oh? Weird.”
“Well it’s funny you mention that because I have herpes.”
“…I can’t tell if you’re fucking with me.”
“I’m not fucking with you. I really have herpes.” And then he pinky-promised he wasn’t messing around.
“I got it about a month and a half ago and I wanted you to know in case this goes any further. You’re the first person I’ve told about it.”
SHIT.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He never really touched me when we were out, the make outs weren’t heavy, and he never mentioned/propositioned having sex with me. I had so much respect for him to tell me but at the same time I wasn’t sure if I could handle it.
Reed assured me that it was basically a skin condition, 1 in 4 New Yorkers had it, he was on anti-viral medication, and I could ask him anything (also a first since he would deflect so much).
I didn’t really know what to say. On the one hand, I didn’t want to add to the stigma. I know plenty of people who have had an STD and basically they just got antibiotics and were good. However, I had never encountered herpes in the wild and it’s not one with a cure. I liked him but I wasn’t sure if it was enough to potentially contract it myself and have to have the same conversation with future partners.
We called it a night and walked the same direction to the train station. Before I left, we kissed (not intensely) and he left it at, “Well, I’ll let you do your research and if I hear from you then I’ll know you’re still interested.” GOD DAMN IT. Responsibility sucks.
I took the week to think it over and ultimately decided against it. The risk of passing it is very low with the use of condoms and anti-viral medication along with abstaining during break outs. He was cool, I liked him, but I didn’t think I liked him enough to take that risk with him. Since he was only diagnosed a month and a half prior I wasn’t sure if he really knew when his body would break out or “shed” as it’s called.
I then sent the most guilt ridden text I’ve ever written. Really, I felt like shit.
Here this guy was who never told anyone anything coming clean about something so personal and I rejected him. Fuck.
#DatingLaura 