App: N/A (I know, crazy!)

Name: Eric*

Date Location: Porta – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool spot. Unfortunately we didn’t eat but the pizza is apparently really good. The space is really cozy and the bar is super long.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Eric and I met at a bar in Hoboken in November. I had lost my friend in the bar, started making moves to find her, and instead found Eric in the corner of the dance floor. We made small talk, found out he was a Pats fan, lived in Hoboken, and had the cheapest rent in the land. Alas, I had to go find my friend plus it seemed like an oddly long time to talk to this guy and I didn’t want to annoy the shit out of him.

When I left, his friend gave me his number (before trying to pick me up for himself). I texted Eric not long after just saying hey and letting him know that I got his number from his friend. (I didn’t want to come off creepy plus he may not have been interested in the first place).

He texted me back, added me on Snapchat, and we chatted pretty regularly. Nothing crazy, we weren’t having deep conversations but I was confident that he wasn’t a serial killer or anything. For months we kept trying to make plans but one of us would be away, busy, or cancel. *Cough Cough Eric *

After a trip to Canada my friend asked me what happened to him and convinced me to text him and ask him out one last time. Sure. What did I have to lose at that point?

Well I didn’t hear back. For over a week. But he kept checking my Snap stories. FUCK YOU TOO ERIC. I changed his last name to “NO” and left it at that. (Fun fact: To keep all these motherfuckers straight I will save their first names in my phone but leave the last name as YES, NO, or TBD so if I’m drunk or if they have similar names I can keep them straight. If I really hate them I’ll put the reason in the ‘Company’ box).

I posted something on Snapchat about getting a CrockPot and he responded to it with some comment about how the Patriots Superbowl loss had been tough. Random. But whatever, it had been a hard week as a New England fan.

He then apologized for never answering my text and said he deserved all the shit I could lay on him. I sent this gem.

He finally asked me out after 3 months of back and forth and even was proactive on picking the spot. The day of he checked in to see if we were still on and we were ready to go. This was it.

I waited for him for like 10 minutes at the bar but I kept thinking, “This is going to be awesome. This could be it. LOOK ALIVE”. He showed up and was taller and less attractive than I remembered. When we first met, it was pitch black in the club and we had to yell to talk to each other. When we met in person I finally heard what his voice sounded like. No bueno.

Even though we were yelling over Pitbull music the night we met, he did remember a lot more than I expected. He knew what I did for work, almost remembered the name of the company, and remembered exactly what I wore. Granted it was a Cosby sweater so slightly more memorable than most but I gave it to him.

What I couldn’t give him was a personality. Oh my god. So boring. I was carrying the team on my back once again. No joke, we spent 20 minutes talking about Tom Brady. Literally so much had happened since we met: Thanksgiving, Santa Con, Christmas, New Years, the Super Bowl, a bunch of people in the White House left. There was a lot of shit to cover and he had nothing to say.

He did know about his friend who tried to pick me up which was funny. We had different versions of that night but I was apparently dubbed, “Eric’s Girl”. His friend was one of his roommates, (1 of 4 in a 2-bedroom. Dear God.) and when he found out we were going out he wanted to crash the date. Honestly, would have added some spice to the night.

He cut out early which I had no complaints about, he walked me to the train stop, we hugged, and I went on my merry way thinking this was the exhale to a 3 month lead up. About an hour after I got home I got a text from him saying that he had “so much fun”. K.

I kept the conversation short. I told him to send his friend my regards but I never said I wanted to meet up again. Eric snapped me every day after. Sometimes I would reciprocate (mostly when I was hammered) but sometimes I wouldn’t. We never went out again.