Month: February 2018

Encounter #14.1: Snooze

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App: Hinge

Name: Corbin*

Date Location: MazMezcal

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Kick ass margaritas but it is more expensive and doesn’t do happy hour

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Corbin had a promising ass profile. Tall, late 20s, went to NYU Engineering School, worked at Columbia, and was very deliberate in making plans. Sign me up.

He picked a restaurant on the Upper East Side that all my coworkers raved about. That being said upon glancing at the menu, it was also a pricey spot. Do I order food? Do I stick to drinks? What’s the deal?

We met up and he was very attractive in person but within the first 5 minutes I found out he worked part-time and still lived with his parents. DRINKS ONLY IT IS.

I really don’t have a lot to say about Corbin. He was a nice guy, super nerdy, wanted to make video games, but we just didn’t click. He was very introverted and at the end of each of our sentences we added the, “Well, that’s me” along with an awkward silence and a sip of a drink. The only noteworthy thing that happened was that I laughed, tipped my head back, and slammed it on the window pane behind me.

What really sealed his fate was when he asked what I was doing on dating apps. I was honest and said that ideally I’d like a relationship but I recognize that not everyone is on that same page. I asked what he was doing. He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship which would have been fine if he wasn’t on Hinge AKA THE RELATIONSHIP APP.

One thing I will point out is that he did not do well in the check dance. I pulled out my card and instead of shooing it off we split the bill. No argument. To me that is always a little odd but this was especially weird since he was the one who picked a pricier spot. If you can’t afford it, don’t go there. There are plenty of cheaper places in the area and tbh I’m always down with a Dollar Menu.

He walked me back to my train stop, we hugged, and went on our separate ways. I didn’t text him after. He didn’t text me after. Back to the drawing board.

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Encounter #13.1: One Man, One Dream

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App: Hinge

Name: Ben*

Date Location: Scotland Yard in Hoboken

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – The most divey of dive bars. Cheap ass beer, darts, friendly bartenders, and bathrooms that won’t lock.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Ben and I had been chatting for a few days until I woke up on New Years Day to see he was no longer in my matches. Little surprised because I didn’t remember saying anything weird but I could not speak for drunk Laura on NYE. A few days later I saw a notification in Facebook’s Message Request box.

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As we know, this can freak me out. But he did have my last name and we had a mutual friend (who wasn’t weird) so it didn’t seem too too odd. Whatever, may as well see what he had to say.

He worked ridiculous hours so it was tough trying to lock it down. Finally after lots of rescheduling, we set a date. We texted for a bit and the more we talked, the more I hated him. He would double message, blow up my phone, and used waaaay too many emojis. I’m talking 29 in a matter of 14 hours. But when he walked up to me, he was actually decent looking and his voice wasn’t weird. Maybe I should cut him some slack.

He worked for the NBA, grew up in Jersey, lived 10 minutes from me, was Jewish, and came from an Italian family. Not too shabby.

The first question he asked was if I had voted for Trump. I can respect that, I sit very far on the left so this didn’t bother me in the least. However, I soon found out that I was smarter than he was. I began going into detail about the DNC, campaign issues on Hillary Clinton’s side, what led to Trump’s success, and basically gave my CNN commentary. He had no idea what I was talking about, switched the subject to marijuana, and told me about his smoking habits.

I did ask him about the unmatching. He was drunk on NYE and went to check if I responded to his message. When he went to close the app, he accidentally hit ‘Remove Match’. By some crazy chance, he remembered my last name and looked me up. He said, “If there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m persistent”. Yeah, that’s one word.

The more he spoke the more he lived up to my “sports management” stereotype being that he wasn’t that smart, couldn’t come up with an abstract thought, was loud, had to be the center of attention, and thought he was funny.

He talked about his older brother who he said was the exact opposite of him. I wanted to ask if his brother was seeing anyone but I figured that wasn’t appropriate.

Despite the fact that he was out to lunch mentally, he hung on every word I said. I wasn’t saying anything too amazing, just talked about things I wanted to do later in life and where I came from. He was SO STUPID but I won’t lie, I liked that he worshiped the ground I walked on. So when he texted me and asked if he made the cut to the second date, I said he did. FUCK.

As luck would have it, we never texted again and for that I am eternally grateful.

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Encounter #12.2: A Hanukah Miracle

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App: Bumble

Name: Pete*

Date Location: Amsterdam Billiards followed by Fat Cat Lounge

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Amsterdam Billiards: Definitely divey which isn’t a bad thing but you need to look out if it’s a league night if you want a pool table.

4.0 Stars – Fat Cat Lounge: Super cool bar. There’s live jazz/swing music, cheap drinks, and dark lighting

Date Duration: 14 hours

What Happened:

After texting throughout the holiday break we finally met up for the awaited second date. We met up at Amsterdam Billiards for a few drinks. I knew he was kinda drunk on the first date but I didn’t realize just how far gone he was because he did not remember how much he told me about his ex among other details. I found out he was a frat guy back in college which makes so much fucking sense since he now works in sales. Typical douche.

After taking some shots, we walked over to Fat Cat Lounge to continue drinking. Conversation was good but he kept using his phone. I’m 90% sure he was messaging his roommate on Snapchat and I glanced over to see “Bring her over!”. 2 minutes later we kissed and headed to his place in Brooklyn. Coincidence? I think not.

A little back story here. I had a really good feeling that we were going to fuck however, my period came back from the dead after being nonexistent for a year. After googling all the things online, I took a shit ton of aspirin and popped in a Soft Cup for the first time. No lie, little weird but insertion wasn’t as complicated as expected. Would recommend.

We made it to the apartment and he put Bob’s Burgers on. (Also, this is when I found out his apartment had no heat or electricity. There was hot water, the TV and a lamp were hooked up to something, but no other lights worked.) Within 3 minutes we were making out and I was on top of him. We moved upstairs and started making out on the bed. Clothes quickly came off and we had the absolute worst sex in the entire world. This asshole didn’t do any foreplay. Like any. To the point that when I asked for an assist he went, “Why? You’re not wet?”. (This had to have been why his ex dumped him)

He maybe ate me out for one minute. Having me on bottom wasn’t working so he asked if I could go on top. Things were fine-ish considering I was dry AF. We stopped for a little bit once we realized the condom broke. I had one in my bag so he got it and made some comment like, “Do you always have condoms in your bag?” If I plan to fuck, yeah. That shouldn’t be weird.

I gave him a sad ass hand job, blew him, and we started having sex again. It was straight shit. He asked if I came and I said no. I wasn’t going to reward that garbage fuckery.

He apparently finished (I have a feeling we were both over it) and he asked if I’d join him in the shower. Okay, fine. But he like actually wanted to shower. I kept trying to make out and get some sexy time but it wasn’t working out. He turned the shower off and hopped out for a towel. Since it was a wash at this point, I did pee in his shower out of sheer spite (also since there wasn’t electricity I wasn’t confident in my ability to find the bathroom later).

We changed and I heard my name being called. (Let it be known that he didn’t offer comfy clothes so I changed back into tight ass jeans and a sweater). He wanted me to meet his roommates. WTF. I said hi and we all went downstairs. He went out to get pizza which left me with the roommates. It was as awkward as you think it was so I focused on petting the cat. When Pete got back, the roommates chowed down then went upstairs. He then put X-Files on and fell asleep in 5 minutes. I took a quick power nap and when I moved to leave he pulled me in so we cuddled and napped for a bit longer. I woke up and tried to move again but as I started shifting out from under him he woke up and said we’d go to bed.

I didn’t sleep the whole night. It was a new place, I was already super uncomfortable, he lived next to the expressway so it was super loud, and I was freezing my ass off. Throughout the whole night, he didn’t say anything to me and only put an arm around me twice for a few seconds. We were not going to be dating, but if you don’t kick a girl out immediately you have to cuddle with her. Also if you have no heat you should probably give a bitch a blanket or something.

Around 8:30 am I couldn’t take it anymore and I called a Lyft to go home. I didn’t say anything to Pete on my way out. He appeared to be sleeping and I was over the whole thing.

I felt stupid though. When my period came through I couldn’t help but think that it was a sign for me not to have sex with him since I already knew he was a player and had feelings for his ex but I ignored it. I’ve never been one for casual sex but I always wanted to see if it could be for me. Universe said it wasn’t.

On the way home I couldn’t help but think about the broken condom. He definitely didn’t finish but I did not want to get knocked up with his kid. I’ve had condoms break several times before but I knew that if I ever needed anything the guy would step up one way or the other. I couldn’t say that for Pete so I made the decision to get Plan B.

To top the night off, when I got home to change my clothes I noticed my jeans ripped down the middle of my right ass cheek. Greattt. Good thing I wore a long sweater that night. He also left a big ass hicky on my neck. Don’t remember when that happened.

On the way to Duane Reade, a DOT worker stopped me to tell me that I was so beautiful and someone should be driving me around since it was so cold. At this point my hair was in its natural texture, my make off was off, and I definitely had VPL. I almost cried on the sidewalk. It made my day.

I wanted to be alone more than anything that day and for whatever reason I felt embarrassed. The sex was the worst I ever had and I knew the whole thing was a bad idea but I wanted to be this strong, independent, sexy woman that I wasn’t. At least, not in the way I was trying to force myself.

If this night taught me one thing it’s to stay true to yourself. It’s okay for people to have casual encounters, take Plan B, and spend $40 on a Lyft. At the same time, it’s okay if it’s not for you. Always stay true to yourself…and maybe wear leggings more often so your ass doesn’t bust your jeans.

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Encounter #12.1: A Hanukah Miracle

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App: Bumble

Name: Pete*

Date Location: Rock & Reilly’s

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool spot, especially would be awesome in the summer. There’s a patio with tons of benches and the playlist is fire. That being said, if they put some outdoor heaters out they could get decent business in the winter.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Truth be told, at this point in time I was starting to be done with the whole dating thing. I had gone on several first dates, had plenty of awkward situations, and was swiping away with no luck. There are only so many times I can match with a guy, meet him, and he looks nothing like his pictures.

One night, I was swiping through and I saw a decently attractive guy. Definitely not my type and he looked like he’d be a toss up on if he looked better/worse in person. Fuck it. My strategies hadn’t been working. Let’s swipe right and see. We matched pretty quickly and started talking.

His opener was pretty solid, he was from Massachusetts, played music in his free time, had done work for non-profits, and seemed chill so we moved to texting. (Fucker had read receipts on. Fantastic).

While we were texting, I was also texting a friend from home. We were talking about Tinder and how to respond to the following gif:

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I then took it upon myself to try it out on an especially attractive guy on Tinder. It worked IMMEDIATELY. I went to tell her my success story and I done fucked up by texting Pete instead.

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HOW. After such a royal fuck up this guy wanted to go out with me? Either he would be everything I wanted or was bat shit crazy.

I rolled up to the bar and was pleasantly surprised that he was more attractive than his pictures. Shorter, but definitely cute. Hot damn.

Since everyone and their mother went out for post-holiday party drinks we moved to the patio outside. We were both from New England, could dress appropriately for the weather, it was fine.

We clicked pretty quickly. We went over the usual first date things, made each other laugh, talked mad shit to some Steelers fans, the whole thing. As we talked, we kept moving closer to each other on the bench. Pretty soon he was holding my hand, had an arm around me, and I had my leg on top of his.

He was telling me about how he loved music so much but could never teach and then out of nowhere went in for the kiss. BALLSY. I didn’t object so we made out a little. Then we stopped. He asked me a question and I had no idea what he was talking about since the make out was so solid. So we just made out harder.

He asked if I would come back to his place. I had to be at the bus station at 3 am later that night so I declined. He then offered to come to Jersey. FUCKKKK THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also knew that my room was a disaster (mostly that my childhood stuffed animal was on top of my pillow and there was no way I’d be able to move it quickly and secretly). I instead went with, “Listen, I want to but I’m just not a first date fuck and I have a lot to do before I head out. Second date though. I can be swayed”. …so we made out more aggressively.

Between make out sessions it was made pretty clear that Pete was not over his ex and was kind of a player. They had broken up 3 months prior and he made a comment along the lines of, “I just found out she was dating so I figured it was time for me to start dating and try to get over her”. Very healthy. He didn’t tell me what happened between them, just that they did some shitty things. He also told me that he had talked to her earlier that day, still loved her, and they were about 18 months out from getting married at the time of the break up. WOWEE WOW WOW. He also brought up that before he was with his ex he dated every girl ever and recently had 3 dates with this other girl in NYC. I mean I’m not one to talk but, some things don’t have to be shared on the first date.

Despite this, I was into him. I apparently made him nervous because I was “so attractive, down to earth, and chill”. Plus I went down as his best first date/Bumble date ever. He clearly had some shit to work out (the guy pre-gamed the date since he was so nervous) but he was throwing himself at me. In addition to constantly kissing me, within 10 minutes he made some comment about how if this went well and I played it right there may be a Patriots play-off ticket in my future. DONT MIND IF I DO. Also, it had been awhile since your girl got down. She deserved a good fuck.

We got pretty aggressive with the make outs to the point he was laying on top of me and was working his way to more. But I could have sworn I heard a door click. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I was pretty sure someone was there. Pete brushed it off and we got back to business. And then we heard a, “Hey! You guys gotta stop. Management doesn’t like that. You gotta go. You shouldn’t even be out here!” Well that ended the date pretty quick.

He held my hand and walked me back to my train station. We kissed and I went on my way (and had the worst NYC commute of my life later that night). As this was right before Christmas break, we couldn’t meet up again that week. But, we texted the whole time in anticipation of date #2.

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Encounter #11.1: Captain Underpants

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App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Jai*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer or watching sports. They have so many options which can be overwhelming though.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After figuring out we had previously matched on another app (and me remembering that he sent me a pic in his underwear a few months earlier) Jai and I met up for drinks.

Jai was decently attractive. Looked pretty much like his pictures, finished medical school, Italian, tall, and grew up in NY. Not too shabby.

However, he could not plan for shit. He told me to meet him in Penn Station area but did not give me a bar until 10 minutes before I had to head over. Luckily he picked a place I knew how to get to (because I had an awkward date there).

We started talking and I wanted to suffocate him with a pillow. His voice was typical Queens, NY. I love a hard NY accent. I think it’s weirdly sexy. However, some are better than others. Brooklyn accents? HOT AF. His accent? Kinda nasal, whiny, and was basically the male version of Fran Drescher. NOPE.

Despite having a voice that made you want to punch babies, he was a pretty decent time. He was super easy to talk to and I was happy that I didn’t need to carry the team on my back for this one.

Like any date there were a few awkward moments. I had come from a work event that required wrist bands so I already looked like an alcoholic let alone the fact that I chugged an Irish Car Bomb before heading over to meet Jai.

That being said, his moment was worse. He was trying to show me a picture of something but swiped the wrong way. I saw a woman’s naked titties in one photo and something that said “Cannabis” in the other. He apologized but I definitely had more questions than answers on that one.

It was getting late and I had to make my way back to NJ. I hugged him goodbye and he said,

“Oh okay. I was going to go in for the kiss there. You don’t seem into it?”

“I don’t normally kiss someone on the first date. I don’t know, I guess I can make an exception”

Then we made out. Twice. Probably shouldn’t have done that. DAMN IT LAURA, YOU HOE. I was attracted to him on a physical and intellectual level but god damn. That voice. Terrible. Nagasaki’ed.

 

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Situation #6.1: Lapping the Tri-City Area

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What Happened:

When you’re on multiple dating apps, there will be plenty of times that you’ll see the same person. It may not be right away, but a lot of people will use the same photos and you start recognizing their face.

One day, after matching on Tinder I got a message along the lines of, “We’ve matched again. We must really like each other”. Apparently we had already chatted on Hinge and both times, boy left me on read.

Whatever, not a big deal. Just have to be more careful. A few weeks later I downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel just to try it out. I had it for maybe a week in NH but since the pool of users was so small, didn’t get into it. 2 or 3 days into using the app in NYC I matched with a cute doctor and he started the conversation. HOLLA TO YOUR GIRL.

It started with this.

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And then this happened.

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Shit. The jig is up.

Despite that, he seemed to be cool with it and we talked about meeting. He asked for my Snapchat *shudder* and he added me. I knew that username.

This summer we matched on Bumble and exchanged snaps. Not only was he boring AF but, he sent me a picture of himself in just Calvin underwear asking if they were too tight. After that happened, I deleted him and unmatched. He didn’t know that I knew about that one but I agreed to go out with him anyways.

Later that night I was chatting on Tinder with a very enthusiastic guy. A little too enthusiastic. And he lived in The Heights… OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

We matched on Bumble and texted/Snapped in August. He was annoying AF. Constantly blowing up my phone and telling me how he “modeled”. Okay, buddy. You’re full of shit. To avoid another awkward moment, I unmatched immediately.

But it happened. I not only lapped NYC. I lapped Jersey City. All I needed to do was hit CT and I would have sifted through the entire tri-state area.

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