Situation #2.3: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

After our last conversation, I couldn’t help but want to stir the pot. After all, this fucker said he wanted to get a beer to reminisce about how we met. Fine. I got drunk the night before Thanksgiving and made my shot.

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Just going to glaze over that? K.

He asked for my Snapchat info and we chatted on and off for the rest of the week. Pretty much, he would only talk to me when he was working. One day, there was a tiny ass earthquake on the east coast. He Snapped me to see if I was okay and needed medical attention. I let him know that I was good and he did the thing again!

He said that if I was in need to let him know, he wanted to see me, blah blah. As it turned out he was headed to Pennsylvania in February and asked if he could crash on my couch on the way down. KAYYYY.

I agreed. TBD on if he ends up visiting let alone staying on the couch.

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Encounter #10.1: Who Dis

App: Tinder

Name: AJ*

Date Location: The Triple Crown Ale House

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Has definite potential if you find a seat at the bar. Food is decent but if you’re at a table they will be pushing you through fast

Date Duration: 40 minutes (a new record)

What Happened:

We chatted for a few days on Tinder before he asked me to go out. He had a pretty open schedule so we set a date and went from there.

The morning of, he messaged me to let me know that he didn’t drink. Weird. I don’t care if you don’t drink but I think it’s weird to tell me ahead of time because now I’m very conscious of the fact that I cannot get drunk because you will have all your wits about you. Whatever, maybe he’d work out and I’d always have someone to hold my hair.

He was delayed getting to the bar because there was an emergency incident on his train and then he ran into his roommate on the street. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES. 30 minutes later he was at the bar and did not look like his pics. No joke, he looked like a model in these and showed up looking like a young Homer Simpson. Fuck. So we started looking for a seat at the bar.

We went upstairs and it turns out there was a company Christmas party going on and no one said anything to us and even told us where to set our coats. Open bar. Free food. Boy chickened out.

Since it was so packed, we moved over to The Triple Crown Ale House which was also packed so we got locked into a table. Very quickly I knew I wanted to dip out. To start, I was uncomfortable and wanted to be drunk but knew it would be uncomfortable if I did because I just said that I didn’t care if he didn’t drink. He also bitched about how girls stand him up. Then, he said he was a grad student…studying screen writing. He told me his latest piece was a stoner comedy. I had just went out with a stereotype. To top it off, he looked and acted EXACTLY like a friend I had from college. Same interests, both Italian, same eyes. Too weird.

I chugged my wine, we split an app, and once we left the bar I checked my phone. It was only 7 pm. He asked if I had to go back and I did the whole, “Ohhh NJ is so far. Early morning. PATH train” thing. He was heading the same way and walked me to my station. We hugged and he said, “Do this again?”. I was about 5 feet away at this point fishing a Metrocard out of my bag and responded with the quickest, “We’ll see” as I went through the turn style. Unmatched him the next day.

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Encounter #9.1: Wrong Page

App: Tinder

Name: Pharrell*

Date Location: Suite 36

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Definitely a really cool spot to go to at night. Their happy hour was affordable, playlist was on point, and looks like it would be a hot club at night.

Date Duration: 2-3 hours

What Happened:

Pharrell and I had been texting for about a week before meeting up. He suggested we ask each other 21 questions, no repeats, 100% honesty. Gimmicky. But fine. I don’t have shit to hide. He was a really interesting guy. He played football through college, studied Economics/International Relations, from California, and had a really special relationship with his mom. Oh. He was also really fucking hot and looked like a buff Pharrell.

We met up and I was more than happy to see he looked like his photos. We kept with our theme of grilling each other. I found out that he worked at NBC and although I have no idea what exactly his job was, he gets to meet some cool people. THE BOY MET OPRAH. We also had almost exact views on religion and politics and had similar kinks so that was a new experience.

I had asked him, “What’s something I should know now that I’m going to find out later?”. And the other foot dropped. He had been in a relationship for 5 years and now that it was over, he was not interested in being in a relationship right now. Shit.

Crazy Laura heard, “He only says that because he hasn’t dated me yet”. Realistic Laura saw a repeat of the Connor situation where she falls for a guy who isn’t 100% into her but has amazing sex with.

Despite that, I really did have a wonderful time. For the first time in months I went on a date that didn’t make me uncomfortable AND I would have wanted a second date.

He walked me back to my train stop and said that he had a feeling he’d be in NJ by December 10th. I sassed him back. “Oh really. I don’t know, no one ever wants to come out to NJ.” He insisted he would and pinky promised. Shit’s serious.

However, when I texted him the next day with the “Hey, had a good time blah blah blah” text, I didn’t hear back. Maybe it’s for the best? On one hand, I want nothing more than to be with someone who makes me happy. I love that feeling when you just love the fucking shit out of another person and it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to do that. But that’s not what he wanted and it would be stupid to try to force it. That being said, I needed to get laid. Like yesterday and this was another set back.

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Situation #5.1: This Escalated Quickly

Name: Grant*

App: Tinder

What Happened:

I had forgotten to turn off my Tinder card when travelling to Maryland. When I got back to NJ I was swiping away and unknowingly matched with Grant from the Baltimore area. We chatted, he said where he lived, and I stopped responding. No harm, no foul.

About one month later he messaged me out of the blue and tried to get me to meet him in Philly. WTF. I don’t know you. That being said I was in a weird place and was seeking attention so when he asked for my number I gave it. We texted the rest of the day and by dinner time I realized I was being stupid, was using him, and needed to stop.

Since we hadn’t gone out, I didn’t think it was a big deal to ghost him. We literally talked for less than 24 hours. So I Nagasaki’ed him by unmatching him on Tinder and blocking his number.

Here’s the thing. When you have iMessage hooked up to a Mac and they also have iMessage, you still get the messages on the computer even if you block them on your phone. (You have to block the Apple ID in case you’re wondering). And then one day I found this slew of shit.

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BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

A month later I get a DM on Instagram

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OH. MY. GOD.

Really? We got “disconnected”? Bitch, you know I unmatched you and have actively been ignoring you. Don’t play coy with the “suggested user” bullshit. You’re being a creeper who won’t let go of something that never panned out. Baltimore is a big place, you’ll find someone there. Why are you wasting your time and effort with a bitch who lives in NJ? Let it go, bruh. BLOCKED.

…BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

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You’re. Fucking. Kidding Me.

24 hours after the initial message on Instagram AND blocking him on the platform, I get this shit. Men say women are crazy. Oh, no. Men are just as nuts. Please explain to me why stalking me 2 MONTHS LATER is a good use of your time. If I didn’t respond then there’s no reason for me to now.

After that, I sent a message along the lines of:

In case I have not made myself abundantly clear by unmatching with you on tinder, ignoring your texts, and blocking you on instagram; I do not want a relationship with you nor do I want contact with you. Do not contact me again or I will be forced to seek legal counsel.

I wasn’t fucking around. After that was sent, I blocked him on Facebook and began locking up my social media accounts. All he needed was my phone number and he found all my shit.

A part of me wonders if I should have just texted him that day and said, “Listen you’re great but we’re wasting each other’s time since we’re 4 hours apart”. But I really didn’t think a 12-hour conversation really warranted that much and I’m not telling someone they’re great if I haven’t verified it. It’s not like we talked about anything deep and had some beautiful connection over text. (And people say women are clingy…)

If there is one lesson to be learned from this it’s to be selective about who gets your number.

1. Don’t give it if you’re not feeling it

2. If possible, only give it after you meet in person and can make a full opinion

Men can be creepers and unfortunately the world we live in doesn’t always reprimand them for it. Be safe out there!

Note: Let it be known that this was going to be an Honorable Mention but he upgraded his ass to Situation real quick

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Encounter #8.1: Last Minute Larry

App: Hinge

Name: Larry*

Date Location: Lillie’s Victorian Establishment

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Absolutely beautiful. It was all decked out for Christmas and there is a screen in the back that plays 80s music videos. Love it!

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

After an unsuccessful scheduling I wasn’t expecting to hear from Larry. But low and behold, he asked me to meet him at 6pm. I got the text at 4pm and realized that I went to work bare faced that day. SHIT. My boss sent me out to get make up, I slapped some shit on there, and headed out for our date.

We met up and immediately headed up to the bar. After we ordered I took my card out to begin the check dance. Instead of pushing the card away he said, “We can split it when we get the tab later”. I am a strong independent woman, I am able to take care of myself. But damn it, I like being treated. I feel like on the first date the man pays. I did my make up on the office floor with a tiny sponge. Least you can do is hook a girl up with a Corona.

All the seats were taken so we ended up standing to the side. There was a chair open. Larry did not offer it up and instead took it. Bad move, Larry.

As far as a first date goes, he was fine. Very Irish, went to Bentley, played soccer, works in finance, Patriots fan, and wants a big family. Still had to carry the team on my back but he was cute and seemed like he had potential to be fun. I chalked it up to first date jitters/I come on very strong and probably scared the shit out of him.

He walked me to my train stop, we hugged, and I went on my way. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting to hear from him but I got a text asking if I made it to Jersey okay. We chatted the next day but he wasn’t giving me much to work with so I didn’t send anything after my last text. I didn’t hear from him until one month later before I went home for Christmas. He messaged me on Hinge asking if I was free that night. Not only did I have plans, but it was fucking weird that he messaged me rather than text since he had my number.

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