Situation #4.3: The Twins

Name: Mike*

What Happened:

After our night at Iggy’s, Mike and I texted constantly. There was more to him than I originally expected. He wrote a lot of material, had scripts up for Netflix, we had similar music taste, and both had an emo phase.

That week I got absolutely tanked with Rebecca and decided to answer his texts under the influence on the way home. 25262728

At the time, I was kinda into him. And I have to admit that it was pretty sweet of him to offer to come to NJ and give my drunk ass Poptarts. But as we kept texting over the weekend, he lost his charm.

I am all for getting drunk. I’m all for getting drunk on a regular basis. But being in your 30s, working part time, and still using funnels to drink beer say a lot about a person. Every single conversation we had was about getting drunk, ways to get drunk, the next time we’d be drunk, etc.

I also found out that his twin was texting Rebecca as well. What got weird was when she told me Mark had screenshotted one of her texts and accidentally sent it back to her rather than Mike. YALL ARE TOO THIRSTY. (Also I don’t want an orgy with Rebecca. We’re friends but no that’s a level of comfort I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for).

When Rebecca and I met up the next weekend we decided that we were both done with our prospective twin. …then we ended up at Iggy’s and ran into them. AWK SAUCE.

Being the smart/sneaky bitches we are, we got the twins to buy us shots and a drink. Then while one was in the bathroom and the other was chatting up a girl we dipped. We ran out of that bar so fucking fast.

I woke up the next morning to a “Where did you guys go?”. Ignored it.

I didn’t hear from him for nearly 2 months after that. The week of Hoboken’s Santacon he slid into my DMs on Instagram asking if Rebecca and I would be there. I left him on read. A month after that he slid into the DMs again after he saw I was watching a Patriots game. Left on read again and haven’t heard from him since. gifr10_6

Situation #4.2: The Twins

Name: Mark* and Mike*

Location: Iggy’s

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Bar has karaoke, good music, and drunk people willing to make poor choices. However, the dancing is lackluster.

What Happened:

After our drunken evening at Ziggy’s, I didn’t think I would ever see the twins again. The week after we met, Mike asked if my friend and I were up to anything but I was heading out of state. I figured it would be like that first week of college where you exchange numbers and then never see the person again. But the Upper East Side is weird and you always run into the same people.

Rebecca and I went out for another night of drinking and poor choices. While I was tied up making out with Situation 5.1, she drunkenly wandered to the bar next door with the Situation’s friend.

How did I find this out? Mike texted me saying he saw Rebecca and was wondering if I was far behind. Situation 5.1 and I headed over to Iggy’s and I reunited with Rebecca and the twins. (What was odd was that right after I hugged the twins, both Rebecca and I’s situations left. Weird).

Rebecca found a new guy at Iggy’s which left me to kick it with the twins. We danced and I found out that Mark and Mike have synchronized dance moves. Once 3am rolled around though it was time to head out.

I started walking out of the bar and got a text from Mike asking if I wanted company walking to the train. I agreed and we walked a few blocks to my stop. We made small talk, nothing noteworthy happened. (Except for the most awkward goodbye in history. Like are we hugging? Just saying bye? Am I a bro now? Wtf). Then I checked my phone on the subway platform.

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So like that’s pretty cool.

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Situation #5.1: The Point Guard

Name: Josh

Location: Stumble Inn

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – A lot of good looking men at the Stumble Inn and the drinks aren’t insanely priced. It will just take you a half hour to get a beer.

What Happened:

After finally making a friend on BumbleBFF it was time we got fucking trashed together. Rebecca and I headed up to the Stumble Inn for a night of poor choices. Apparently people give a fuck about the World Series and especially care when the Yankees are playing. (Weird). So the bar was packed and there were quite a few prospects.

Rebecca and I got our drank on and this one guy who I kept waiting in line with would buy us shots each time he went to the bar. By about midnight we were fucked up. Rebecca saw a cute guy but somehow ended up talking to his friend and I took the opportunity to chat with this hottie.

He lived only 10 or so blocks up from the bar, was 30, and used to play basketball. He kept telling me that I was really beautiful and bought us some drinks. In his drunken wisdom, he tried making plans with me for the next day and was so serious about it he almost bought Giants tickets. I talked him out of it and we agreed that we would meet up in Hoboken to watch the game.

He must not have thought I was serious so he asked for my number and texted me immediately to be sure I had his digits. We hit the dance floor and started making out like crazy. (Let it be known that he asked why I was single during this time. I don’t understand why people ask this question because THE FUCK DO I KNOW. YOU TELL ME WHY I’M SINGLE SIR. If you have a decent answer for this please tell me because it’s awkward)

We kept making out and then realized his friend and my friend left which lead to Situation #4.2. But as all drunk plans go, they didn’t happen. I texted him Monday asking how his hangover went and to let me know if he ever wanted to grab a beer. He asked me for my Instagram handle and then I never heard from him again.

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Situation #3.4: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

What Happened:

Because I’m a moron I kept talking to David even after what he said. 2 days after the conversation he called me again and thanked me for listening. We talked about our usual things and he talked about coming to visit. (Key there is talked about, didn’t actually make plans).

I called him the next week in a margarita induced state to tell him I was coming down to DC that weekend. I didn’t expect him to change plans for me but fuck it, tequila made me do it. He was supposed to go to a party the same night I’d be there but he also said he didn’t want to go so we’d play it by ear.

I didn’t end up seeing him in DC. I did receive 4 drunk dials and a text saying to, “Plz call me back”. I drunkenly called him back while I was in line at McDonald’s and tbh I have no fucking clue what he was saying because he was slurring so hard. My McFlurry was ready so I hung up (#Priorities) but he called me back about an hour later. All I could make out was that he was extremely drunk, was sorry he didn’t see me, and was upset about something.

He called me again Monday night (kinda buzzed) and told me what happened. My phone kept cutting out but from what I could hear the girl he liked got back together with his friend and he had to see them at the party he was at. He then decided to get absolutely smashed and since he didn’t want to be there, drove home. Not his finest moment.

He apologized again for not being able to see me and the day after we talked he texted me asking what I was doing in a few weeks. I didn’t have anything booked for that weekend so he asked me to come down to Maryland because his friends were heading out west. I agreed but I don’t have a car so he’d have to pick my ass up from the bus station and be my ride for the weekend. I’m 90% sure he thought I meant drive from NJ so I clarified that I could get to Maryland fine but that was as far as I could make it. He didn’t respond.

After a week of some stalker behavior (he followed me on Twitter and looked at my LinkedIn without adding me), he drunk dialed me at 2am on Saturday. I called him back. He didn’t respond.

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Encounter #6.1: Sweet Home Ala-Boston

App: Hinge

Name: Josh*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer. The Brooklyn pumpkin was pretty good considering it’s a craft beer. (Hop-y beer is icky)

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After having a streak of less than successful dates, I figured I’d give Hinge a shot. Out of all the dating apps I’ve used so far, this one is the most user friendly. The profile layout is very clean, allows for conversations starters outside of “Sup”, and there is no swiping. You either like a photo or answer or hit the “X” at the bottom.

Josh had Red Sox photos on his profile and I was sold. There’s nothing like finding a fellow New England fan in NYC. We talked Patriots, began texting, and made plans for the weekend. He had to work that Saturday morning so I met him for afternoon drinks. He walked up, looked like his photos, and wore a suit. I could work with this.

However after the first 5 minutes into the date I knew that not only did I blow it but, we were not going to work. I ordered a beer and the bartender asked if I wanted the sugar rim. She mentioned that the staff had been making jokes about it since the beer came in. I then said, “Oh yeah, I’ll take the rim job”. The staff laughed. My date did not.

We covered the usual first date questions: “Where are you from, What brought you to NY, Do you like your job,” etc. Because I’m awkward as fuck I kept making jokes which weren’t landing which only made me want to over compensate and do it more. Great going, Laura.

That being said, this was another case of feeling like I was carrying the team on my back. He wasn’t particularly talkative. (Granted, I was making the most awkward jokes so I can’t really hold that against him).

The one thing he kept asking was if I was planning on staying in NYC for awhile. I’ll be honest. I had no fucking clue. Some days I absolutely loved living in the city and some days I just wanted to leave. That may have played a bigger piece than I initially thought. After texting him consistently for a week, going on the date, and ending on “This was fun, we should do it again”, we never spoke again.

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Situation #4.1: The Twins

Name: Mark* and Mike*

Location: Ziggy’s

Location Review: 5.0 Stars – There’s something about Ziggy’s that makes you into a shitshow. 2 for 1 happy hour drinks, tasty Mexican fare, and some interesting humans

What Happened:

During a BumbleBFF meet up my “lady date”, Rebecca*, and I met a set of identical twins. They were Patriots fans so we immediately got along and started drinking.

A few things about the twins. They came to NY to start a fashion line. Not to throw too much shade but it’s essentially expensive t-shirts. (Granted my version of high fashion is Target so to each his own.) They also played football at a major college and are still living out their glory days…at 30.

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What up, Joe?

Despite acting like they’re 22, they know a shit ton of people. At one point one of the twins turned to my friend and I and asked if we watch Grey’s Anatomy. We said yes, he pointed to a guy behind him, and said “Our friend was on it”. As I looked over I expected to see some random extra who had a foot stuck in his butt. Oh no. This guy was legit. WE MET JOE ADLER.

We also met their 2 friends who also work with the “fashion line”. One was pretty cute and was trying to convince us he was 19 while the other was on another planet. No idea what his deal was. Between awkward conversations we danced with the twins, talked Patriots defense, and drank.

After 2 margs, 2 scorpion bowls, and 2 tequila shots it was time for us to bounce. We each gave a twin our number and headed out from the bar. We thought it would be a one time thing. We were wrong.

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