App: Bumble

Name: Esteban*

Date Location: Mexican Restaurant and nice looking cocktail bar

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Fajitas were nothing to ride home about and the cocktail bar wasn’t anything special considering the prices

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Esteban asked me out for fajitas which is one of the quickest ways to my heart. Chicken, guac, margs. It’s a set up for a great evening.

I was waiting outside the restaurant when Esteban rolled up. Cute, looks mostly like his pictures, not too tall, I can work with this. As it turns out, Esteban is half Hispanic, half Greek, and is fluent in Spanish. HAVE MERCYYY. To top it off he went to Carnegie Mellon for engineering, has bought his mother a house, used to do improv, and lives in New Jersey.

On paper he checked pretty much all my boxes. I have a thing for engineers. I think it’s so sexy when someone is that smart and has the ability to make/fix things. Plus they typically think in a straightforward manner and I need someone to snap me out of my bullshit. Also Greek. I went to one Greek food festival and was sold. Not only is the food delicious but the dancing is fun and the families are huge. (I come from a very small, not too close family. Big families are fascinating). To top it off, financially stable.

Despite all of this, he missed the most important box. Having a fucking personality. Talking to him was like pulling teeth. Every question I asked he responded with 1 sentence. No elaboration. There was one point he asked me what questions people ask on dates. It didn’t make any sense! He said that back in college he did a shit ton of drugs except for heroin, meth, and crack. Hey, I don’t judge. BUT I WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU DON’T HAVE ONE GOOD STORY. You’re telling me that in 4 years, especially when you had psychedelic experiences, you have nothing to say? Also the puns. A well placed pun can be extremely funny. When they’re every 5 seconds I will have to smack you.

However, there were a few things I did that I really shouldn’t have. In my profile I say I snort when I laugh. Eventually he points out that I haven’t snorted yet. And I really shouldn’t have done this but the next “funny” thing he said I made myself snort in response. It was like faking an orgasm. You do it to make the person feel good but end up reinforcing a bad behavior.

After we finished at the restaurant he asked if I’d be down for drinks. He was so boring but he covered so much of my “list”. So I went and it was just as awkward as dinner except the lighting was dimmer. He walked me to the train station and asked for my number. Why I gave it to him I have no idea, but it happened. We hugged, I went on my merry way, we texted for a few days until it faded out. But it may be time to edit that list of mine.