Context: There was this boy in high school who my friends and I thought was weirdly sexy. He was shorter but he had these broad ass shoulders that you could picture yourself laying on. It also helped that he’s funny AF and gives off the vibe that he’s good in bed. One lucky evening on Tinder I decided to swipe right, we matched, and this happened.

We had a really short conversation. (Mostly because I got too weirded out. It’s a small town, he hangs out with my ex, it’s awk.) But he will always be this sexy mystical unicorn that I in theory could have banged. Or that’s what I’ll tell my future kids.